Warning: Do not read if you have not seen Season 5, Ep. 1 of True Blood – Turn! Turn! Turn!
“I am wearing a Wal-Mart sweatshirt for y’all, if that’s not a demonstration of team spirit I don’t know what is” – Pam
The wait is finally over. And by that I mean my long overdue start as a television recapper. And what better place to start than with my favorite sexy, summer, show? So lets dig in.
The premiere takes us back in time, showing us a few things we’ve already seen and explaining some lingering questions; like why Eric and Bill didn’t come running when they felt Sookie’s fear. But one thing remains the same; Tara has been shot in the face. And while Sookie is set to grieve the latest victim of her murder kitchen, Pam shows up looking for Eric. Before she can spit out enough witty insults to satiate my hiatus craving, Lafayette is convincing her to turn Tara. (“Turn her? I don’t even like her”). After Sookie makes a vague promise that’s sure to come back and haunt her within the next eleven episodes, Pam agrees to try. She dons the most hideous sweat suit ever produced (are we supposed to believe that this sweat suit belonged to Gran? It hugged Pam a little too well for that to be believable.), and to ground they go.
While Sookie and Lafayette wait to see if their half-baked idea works, they clean up the (once again) bloody kitchen and Sookie reveals her homicidal streak. They attempt to take care of the other dead body weighing on their conscious, but discover someone has already dealt with Jesus. Do I believe Sookie’s rationale that Bill and Eric got rid of the body? Um, no. But I don’t think she really does either. I do believe there is something else at play here. Isn’t there always?
All in all, Lafayette handles the death and possible death of the two people he loves most reasonably well. There’s one scary moment with a depressed bath time soak and a pink lady razor, but luckily he just shaves off his hair and brings back the sass in time to stop Sookie from confessing to Alcide. Sookie refuses to leave her house and take Alcide’s protection because she killed Debbie. How that affects anything I’m not sure. Alcide knows better than anyone how batshit Debbie was and even if Sookie doesn’t think he’d understand her actions, there was no reason to tell him. He’s not going to go looking for her anytime soon and as much as I loved Lafayette’s speech about not needing any more drama from the supernatural sect, Sookie is gonna need someone looking out for her with Russell Edgington on the loose. Granted, if silver chains and miles of concrete don’t stop him a werewolf probably won’t either, but it would still be better than nothing.
So, finally, the sun goes down and Sookie and Lafayette eagerly await Tara’s rebirth. It’s taking longer than expected and Lafayette runs into the house for some snacks. As soon as he’s gone, Pam comes rising out of the ground like a Wal-Mart zombie, but there’s no Tara in sight. Just as Anna Paquin squeezes out the most ridiculous crocodile tears (apparently she didn’t see the episode title) and I’m being taken out of the moment by the absurd sound of her crying, Nelsan Ellis come back to show her what real emotion looks like, but before Paquin can whip out her Oscar and really get this act-off started, Vampire Tara comes bursting out of the ground and seems to be hell bent on attacking Sookie.
Now, do I think she’s really going to attack Sookie? Well, seeing as this series is based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels, I’m thinking its safe to bet Sookie doesn’t bite it (pun very much intended) in the first episode of the season. But hey, what do I know? I do know that Tara has every right to be pissed at both Sookie and Lafayette for thinking this was the perfect solution. No, Tara probably didn’t want to die taking a bullet from a psychotic she-wolf, but I can guarantee she didn’t want to be a vampire. Even before she was kidnapped, raped, and almost turned against her will by a vampire, Tara was not a huge fan of the fanged. I’m guessing that she will not be pleased that she has been damned to an eternity of being the one thing she absolutely loathes. If human Tara had anger issues, I can’t even begin to guess what vamp Tara is gonna be like.
The most exciting part of this turn of events (get it?!?) is the maker/progeny relationship that will now exist between Pam and Tara. All the other maker and made duos we’ve been introduced to (Pam/Eric, Bill/Jessica, Godric/Eric, Lorena/Bill) have been deep, emotional ties that bind stronger than any other. So what’s in store for these two? Most of their previous interactions have involved murder attempts. Is all that animosity gone? Does the relationship begin anew or is it based on what it was before? We don’t know the relationship most of our vamps had with their makers before they were made, but it seems like they probably didn’t hate each other the way Pam and Tara did. Either way, these are two of the snarkiest characters on the show and I’m excited to see them spar on a regular basis.
In creepier maker news, after being abducted by minions of the still mysterious Authority, Bill and Eric, who are suddenly best friends, make a spectacle of an escape attempt only to be actually rescued by the sexier of their captors. Eric’s seduction music starts as he takes her in his arms and treats us to a literally fiery make-out to remind us what we’ve been missing the last 8 months. “Friend of yours” deadpans Bill. “Its my sister, actually” Eric replies. Then he sticks his tongue back down her throat. Eww.
All right, so they’re not actually brother and sister, they just share the same maker, but still, I’d be much more comfortable if they stopped referring to each other as such. Especially while they’re having super loud, if decidedly un-vamirisitic, freight crate sex. I wasn’t the biggest fan of Nice, Amnesic Eric last season and was counting down the days until Real Eric returned, but Real Eric was still willing to die for Sookie last season, aka. yesterday, but today he’s all “Fuck Sookie” and frenching his sister vamp. I’m not sure I’m fully buying that reversal and I can definitely tell you this Team Eric girl is not happy about it. Anyway, Eric and Nora’s reunion was cut short by the navy seals of vampires, more Authority minions, to take Bill, Eric, and now Nora away. Let’s assume that Nora, an Authority Chancellor, knew the kind of Authority Army they were up against and judging by the way they pounced and destroyed, what made her think they were going to get way? Oh well, the recapture means a shirtless Christopher Meloni is eminent, so all in all, I’m good with it.
Meanwhile, back at Merlotte’s, Sam is confronted by some pissed off, but still super sexy, werewolves who seem to believe he killed Marcus, their pack master. He escapes and runs to warn Luna, but being wolves and all, they track him down and Sam does the noble thing, once again. He takes the fall for Alcide and goes willingly with the wolves in order to protect Luna and Emma. They torture him a bit until Martha, who still looks more wolf than woman even in her human form, reasons with him that they need to mourn their pack master in their own way and to do that they need his body.
Now, as soon as someone says they need a dead body, especially on True Blood, but probably just in general, you know some weird shit is about to go down. Which it did, but not before Alcide showed up and took responsibility for killing Marcus, proving once and for all that wares and shifters are ten times the men vampires will ever be. It must be from running hot. Anyway, some of the pack were quick to switch loyalties, but then Martha revealed herself to be Marcus’ mom, turned into a wolf and began to eat her dead son’s organs. Other wolves soon joined in. Their own ritual indeed.
In “Finally” news, Terry has a storyline! A mysterious stranger from his past has shown up, claiming that all the men in their former unit have experienced house fires since returning home. We all assumed the fire was caused by “a misunderstanding with a really pretty ghost named Mavis who turned out to be real nice in the end”, but it seems it might have something to do with whatever happened in Afghanistan that has so scared Terry. Terry has always been a periphery character, but the last four seasons have hinted enough for a pretty solid backstory and I’m intrigued at where this is going to go. I’m crossing my fingers that it’s not something supernatural, but this being True Blood I’m probably just deluding myself. I just think it would be nice to leave some of the Bon Temps residences human.
The storyline I was most looking forward to since last season, however, was the newly vamped Reverend Newlin who showed up at Jason’s door. He lied and glamoured his way in just so he could proclaim his love for Jason. Say what? I didn’t see that coming, but now that it has, it does make a lot of sense. Although, I’m not sure what he was hoping to accomplish; if someone is screwing your wife they’re usually straight. Did he want to feed Jason his blood, force an attraction? Turn him? I guess we’ll have to wait to figure that one out because Jason was flattered, but politely declined. The reverend wasn’t taking the rejection well, but before things got out of hand Jessica was summoned by Jason’s fear and declared Jason hers (she also declared herself queen of Louisiana and since it looks like the king is going to be gone for a while, lets hope, for Louisiana’s sake, there’s someone a bit more qualified to do the actual ruling).
I guess Jason and Jessica are going to be the main why-don’t-they-just-admit-they-love-each-other-and-get-it-over-with couple of the season, but I am much more interested in the trouble Rev. Newlin is going to cause and I can’t help but hope he has more of an agenda than just getting into Jason’s pants.
A few last burning questions:
Was Rev. Newlin telling the truth about his maker? Who made him?
Pam is a maker? Where has her progeny been for the past four seasons?
Are those two questions somehow related?
Who was lurking in the creepy shack awaiting fresh prey? Russell?
If that’s how werewolves “mourn” why did Alcide look so freaked out? Or was I just projecting my own horror?
When did Jessica make enough friends to throw a kegger? In a day?
Is it just me or has Andy lost weight? That must have been some wild Wiccan sex.
Ike Applebaum? No, honey. No.
How about you trubies? Did the premiere live up to your expectations? Discuss!
– Devin Mainville