True Blood: Welcome to the Home Stretch

Warning: Do not read if you haven’t seen True Blood Season 5, Ep. 10 – “Gone, Gone, Gone”. 

“I love ya, Bubba”  – Jason

This episode was like a drunken conversation at 3am. I remember important things were said, that I cried and that I generally enjoyed myself, but now I can’t remember what those things were. And it just happened ten minutes ago. But I’ll do my best to work through the haze, if only for the integrity of this highly academic forum.  And also because, with only two more episodes left, some definite shit did go down.

Most screen time he’s gotten in 5 seasons.

The episode started out by informing us that The Authority has succeeded in destroying all five of the true blood factories and we are now in day three of a “vampire crisis”. A truth evident when Sookie opened her door to the kooky, but mostly creepy coroner, Mike Spencer, who proceeded to bare his fangs and attack her. Thankfully Sookie had been dining on Chinese food and thankfully being forcefully poked by any wooden object had been added to the list of ways to kill vampires, so all Sookie had was a bloody mess to clean up and she’s pretty much a pro at that by now.  Andy came to the crime scene and he and Sookie started to ponder about what might have led the coroner, their colleague and friend, to this choice, but then decided he was weird, so whatever, moving on.

I don’t have anything funny to say. I just really love that jacket.

Of course we later found out that Mike was most likely a victim of the latest Authority mandate to procreate. The new Sheriff, who I shall call Sheriff Stringy Hair, presented the mandate to Pam and Tara, who were less than pleased by the options. They could either create some new baby vamps or have the bar and all their possessions taken away from them. Pam saw a third secret option of cutting out and walking the world the way she and Eric had done. Its official guys, these two have a real bond and it is touching and moving and makes me happier than anything else this episode and possibly this season. And while the two of them riding around the south like some dominatrix Thelma and Louise sounds like the most amazing spinoff show ever proposed, Tara saw a fourth, even crazier option; kill Sheriff Stringy Hair. Which she did. And also gave us the obligatory Ginger scream of the season. Well done dear, now go rest those vocal cords until next year. It also gave us a wonderful Pam moment, because only Pam would register no emotion upon finding a decapitated vampire in her office.

Sam actually worked for five minutes, but then Luna came raging in and they were off on their next adventure to rescue Emma from Steve Newlin. After cursing their inability to get anybody to listen to them or to get to Steve in time to intervene. They then remembered they can turn into any freaking animal in the world, so none of those things were actually problems. They decided to go with white lab mice, because you know, why not, and snuck into Steve’s bag. Why Luna didn’t pop out of that bag full of righteous, naked anger when Steve was telling Emma (who was human!) that her mother didn’t want her, I do not understand, but whatever, more plot cohesion, so yay!

Meanwhile Jason schooled Sookie in how to be a detective and found a secret compartment under Gran’s bed that contained an ancient scroll with mysterious hieroglyphics. Why they entertained, even for a moment, that it was any sort of human language escapes me, but I guess they needed to kill some time. Of course it was in fairy language, but in a super old fairy language. So welcome back Maurella. You may remember her as the slutty fairy that accosted Andy at the end of last season. You may also have noticed that she’s fairly pregnant now. So… that’s a thing that’s happening, Anyway, the gist of the scroll was that 200 years ago a Stackhouse signed a blood contract with a vampire named Rumplestiltskin,I mean Warlow, to hand over the first fae woman born into the family. And that would be, dun dun dun, Sookie!

Officially Anti-Lilith. Nobody touches Godric. Nobody.

And them some vampire stuff happened. No, not good enough? Fine. So, Nora and Bill tried once again to convert Eric and gave him more Lilith blood. Because nothing says upstanding religion like drugging your followers into submission. This time Godric appeared and tried to show Nora the error of her ways, but then Lilith showed up and ripped his throat out. And now Eric is converted? I’m guessing he’s just pretending, but the question now is, is Nora? I hope someone has a plan because not a minute too late, Russell freaked the fuck out. He’s still fixated on using fairy blood to walk in the sun.  He even proposed a plan to synthesize the fairy blood like Tru Blood, which is kind of genius, but not according to the plan of Lilith so Salome shot it down. So he threw her across the room. I get that they needed someone uber powerful to take down Roman, but after that task was completed they maybe should have gone through with staking Russell as well. It’s not too bright to keep the strongest and craziest vampire known in existence just hanging around.

But, I’ve saved the best for last. True Blood continues to get crazier and crazier, feeling the need to up the ante in terms of supernaturals, sex and plotlines with each season. And just when I’m getting bogged down by the absurdity of it all they inject a scene like the one between Jason, Jessica and Hoyt and I’m reminded why I loved this show in the first place.

Emmys all around.

Hoyt called a meeting with his former best friend and best girl and I had my fingers crossed that he was going to give them some sort of blessing and forgiveness, which was half true. Hoyt wanted to move past the love triangle drama, but he just wasn’t able to and not even the distance to Alaska is going to remove the memories of Jason and Jessica, but Jessica can remove them. He pleaded with her to glamour him into forgetting them both and after an emotional few moments she agreed. I really wanted her to find some way to take his pain away without making him forget, but she did what he asked her to and I guess she owed him that.  Between the glamouring speech and Jason’s breakdown when he realized he really had lost Hoyt forever, this episode ranks as one of the better of the season and helps me forgive some of the crazy plotlines that occurred to get us to this point.

A Few Last Burning Questions:

If Warlow tried to claim Sookie when she was just a child, but only succeeded in killing her parents, why hasn’t he ever come after her again?

If Jason and Hoyt have been friends since they were kids, and now Hoyt has no memory of that, does he have no childhood memories? Or do his memories still exist and he just sees a faceless kid he can’t seem to place beside him in all of them?

When is Bill going to snap out of this? And if he doesn’t will he have to be killed? I can’t decide which option I prefer.

– Devin Mainville

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