Warning: Do not read if you haven’t seen True Blood Season 5, Ep. 12 – “Save Yourself”.
“If I want to be a fool then I will be a fool! That is my God given right as an American!” – Jason
Say what you will about the rest of the season, the finale did not disappoint. There was an inordinate amount of blood, some plot closure, Rambo Jason and just a sprinkle of sex; everything that makes True Blood and America great.
The episode started with the biggest shock of all. After three seasons of overt and implied menace, Russell Edgington is no more. In the mere thirty seconds before the title even played Russell was taken out by a still vengeful Eric and all the ancient fairy blood in the world wasn’t a match for a well placed stake and a centuries old vendetta. If only Eric had been a tad bit quicker, we’d have even more insight into today’s popular music. But really, it is Russell who will be missed. He was the biggest bad True Blood has seen and showed every other villain how it was done, unfortunately none have lived up to him so far, so Warlow take note. You’ve got some big fangs to fill.
After that pesky business was taken care of Sookie set to checking on Jason and Eric tried to convince his sister not to eat Sookie (I guess they couldn’t see the brothel full of fairies to their right). Now, when the Elder Fairy was attempting to banish Russell to another realm, Russell blocked the magic with Jason, and while he seems to physically still be in this realm, his mind is even more gone than usual. Upon waking up he mistook Sookie for his mother and continued to have delusions that his parents were talking and commenting on everything around them. I’m not sure which realm that’s supposed to be, but it seems obvious it’s not real because I doubt his parents ever acted like dim, snotty teenagers.
Eric took off for Fangtasia where he was informed that the authority had taken Jessica and Pam, thus the episode turned into a rescue mission, as we knew it had to. Our merry band of heroes consisted of Eric, Nora, Tara, Sookie and Jason, who thanks to his delusions is a Jason we haven’t seen since season two, Fellowship of the Sun days; a highly motivated vampire killing machine, not the smartest thing to be hanging around a bunch of vampires, but then Sookie doesn’t make such smart decisions.
Meanwhile, back at the Authority the other rescue mission was already underway. A strategically handcuffed Sam pled his case with Bill, but to no avail. Bill attempted to kill Sam, because he knows too much but Sam shifted into a fly (easily the best perk of being a shifter and totally making up for ending up naked in the strangest places) and escaped into the air ducts. While Bill put the rest of the Authority on lockdown Sam made it back to Luna, who is still annoying and still refusing to shift and leave Emma behind. While out on his fly reconnaissance (Side Note: Those shots were some of the most visually atristic sequences True Blood has ever incorporated and they were lovely additions. Keep it up) Sam came up with a brilliant idea (I hope my sarcasm is clear); Luna would skin walk as Steve and take Emma for a walk. Never mind that every time Luna skin walks it almost kills her, or that she isn’t even smart enough to fake a southern accent when she’s talking to someone or that they are completely unaware that the reverend is currently unconscious in a fairy forest and for all they know could come walking around the corner at any second. Mere details. The plan is solid.
But surprise! It isn’t and Barb from Cougar Town catches up with Luna/Steve and reams him/her out for killing all those frat boys and getting caught. The video has hit the airwaves and Barb from Cougar Town seems to be the only one worried about it (Bill and Salome are too busy “buttering each others biscuits”) and so she forces Steve/Luna to go on live TV to refute the claims.
But Luna sucks at being other people, and reading apparently, so the anchor immediately knows something’s up. That suspicion is confirmed when “Steve” starts puking blood and shifts into Luna, who quickly shouts that the vampires have kidnapped her daughter and have an underground lair before Barb knocks over the tripod. She’s ready to pounce but Fly Sam flies straight into her mouth (There’s a Cougar Town joke in their, but I’m too classy to make it) and shifts, thus giving us another entry on the list of how to kill vampires in the most epic way possible. Then Luna kind of passed out/maybe died and that’s the last we saw of them so… closure?
In other pointless plots that took up too much of our time, Alcide and his dad bonded some more until Martha showed up with a whacked out Naked Girl (still refuse to use her name. Sorry). In between her shrieking she informs us that JD has been forcing the pack to drink V and maybe molesting baby wolves. Also, that night with Alcide meant a lot to her, so why hasn’t he called? (Martha’s expression at that point pretty much summed up my feelings on this entire plot.) Alcide’s dad gave him some extra strong V in order to make the fight fair (Which was Naked Girl’s suggestion the first time he was fighting JD, but he was too good for it then. Oh, how the mighty have fallen), and Alcide proceeded to beat the shit out of JD and kill him. And now we’re back to where we were in the FIRST EPISODE OF THE SEASON. Alcide has killed the current pack master and is now the new pack master, yippee. He gave some moving speech about packs or something; I was distracted by his extra growly V voice and (more entertaining) memories of Magic Mike.
Sorry, distracted there for a minute. Anyway, wrapping up the periphery plots, Andy is daddy, Maurella is freak and half and I really want a Cajun margarita.
Back to the good stuff. Bill was being super shady with Salome. He came out and told he had killed the other chancellor for believing that he could possibly be the chosen one, but rather than tell her about his own visit from Lilith, Bill instead fabricated a Lilith vision in which she told Bill that Salome was the chosen one. Salome of course believed him and set right to drinking all of Lilith’s blood. For the first time in a couple episodes I had real hope that Bill was faking all this nonsense and was really working to bring down Salome and the Authority. I mean, clearly he spiked the blood, clearly this was not going to end well for Salome, but it didn’t end so well for Bill either. Maybe.
Backtracking, the rescuers down under came crashing into the Authority and that blood bath Alan Ball promised really got delivered. Rambo Jason was taking out every vampire he saw (besides the ones he was helping. For now.) Eric and Nora dismantled the security system (Side Note: I really enjoy their dynamic when they’re behaving more like brother and sister, but it just makes their sexing even more uncomfortable. I really hope that stops next season) and Tara and Sookie went to find Jessica and Pam. I refuse to even talk about what happened when Pam was freed only to say I am already drafting my letter. My only hope is that the writers will see the response fans are having to this development and drop it like an advanced trig class.
Just as I expected, the blood was in fact laced, with silver in fact, which sounds pretty painful for a vampire. As I did not expect, Bill didn’t do it in order to stop the crazy; he wanted the crazy all to himself. He truly believes that he was chosen by Lilith to lead vampires into taking over the world and to accept this mission meant he had to drink all the blood of Lilith.
Having completed half their task, Jason and the lady vamps (great band name) got into the elevator to actually make the escape part of the escape, but Sookie and Eric stayed behind to save Bill. Of course they had no idea he was beyond saving (apparently they couldn’t hear me yelling at my TV to get the hell out of there while they still could, my neighbors could though which was slightly confusing for a moment).
They found Bill before he had drank the blood and Sookie gave a tearful speech about the good man he is, but it fell upon deaf, crazy ears. Even the familiar tug of Eric’s bromance did nothing to sway Bill’s conviction and he drank the blood. Almost instantly he was oozing into a puddle of goo. The unthinkable, one of the core trio everyone assumed was safe, just another victim of a finale twist. But then the twist twisted again; Bill came rising from the blood, Lilith style and Eric screamed, “run”. Uh yeah, should have listened to me sooner.
As if that wasn’t enough to ponder over the next year, we were treated to one more teaser following the credits. This time we got a look at what befell Jason and the lady vamps. There was a tense moment in the elevator where it seemed like Jason was going to make good on his assertion that anything with fangs was fair game, but thankfully they survived the trip. As they cautiously made their way to the door Jason issued a battle cry, “I’m coming for you, Warlow” to which Nora replied, “What do you know about Warlow?” Oh, Mr. Ball, you sure do know how to make hang some cliff. Here’s hoping you told someone staying behind what you know about Warlow.
A Few Last Burning Questions:
Will Bill ever be redeemed?
Who will be the Big Bad of next season? Bill or Warlow?
Now that Bill is bad, is this a definte win for Team Eric?
Will Steve Newlin be back next season? (please say yes).
And that’s a wrap, trubies. It’s been a pleasure recapping this season and thank you all for reading. I hope you keep coming back for all your TV recapping needs. I’ll be mighty busy with fall right around the corner and if nothing else I’ll be here next season. As they say, bless the blood and all that jazz.
– Devin Mainville