Time for another night of singing in a boxing ring unironically; it’s the battle rounds!
Julio Cesar Castillo vs. Terisa Griffin “Conga” by Gloria Estefan
It’s the mariachi singer versus the 42 year-old sass attack! And she has brought plenty of sass. She’s feeling a little setup, by being given a “mariachi” song and not a ballad. We’ll just ignore how racist it is to think any Latin song is mariachi. Blake didn’t try too hard to ease her worries, but I think if there is any favoritism it may have to do with that aforementioned sass. Teresa came out swinging, vocally at least, but all that effort was evident in her voice and it came across as a little frantic. Unfortunately it seemed to rub off on Julio who started strong and then quickly matched the overcompensating performance of his adversary. The song doesn’t leave a lot to work with, so they had to resort to runs and showing off. Not impressed. Winner: Julio.
Cee Lo then decided to make it clear that he just doesn’t care about this competition anymore and wasted a steal on Terisa. Perhaps he’s a sadist and his reasoning is that since he lost one difficult diva (Domo) he needed another. Or perhaps he had a producer whispering in his ear. Both are equally likely.
Dez Duron vs. Paulina “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars
I can’t remember if these two Team Christina contestants were not featured in the blind auditions or if I just can’t remember them because they’re as interesting as fan dust. They improved somewhat during rehearsal, but that may be because they were in fear of their lives. Christina had clearly come ready to shank someone. Obviously that rehearsal footage was edited though, because both served it in the actual battle. Paulina has that “unique” voice that has become popular and common which kind of means its no longer unique, but whatever. She also did annoying things with her eyes, but clearly she’s the only one who did anything memorable (since I can’t even remember Dez), so that should count for something. The judges disagreed with me. What else is new. Winner: Dez.
Adam teamed up his two rockers to take on the rockiest song to ever hit The Voice ring. Sad but true. Benji, like many pubescent girls before him, found it difficult to not scream when faced with even the idea of Jon Bon Jovi’s angelic face and growly voice. See, rockers understand what “battle” actually means; gazing intently into your opponent’s eyes and belting out some tenderhearted, hairspray coated lyrics of scorned love. Just like the gladiators did. Carson Proving He is Useless Line of the Night: “This is your coach, his name is Adam”. Winner: Sam.
Nicholas David vs. Todd Kessler “She’s Gone” by Hall and Oates
Beard Battle! Or as Cee Lo more eloquently (what?) said, the battle of the blue-eyed souls. The biggest problem on this team was Nicholas’ growing loyalty towards Todd, which Cee Lo helpfully told him to just get over. So Nicholas put on his best upholstered shirt and just did that. It looks like true friendship is the secret to a good duet because this was the first quality battle of the night. Nicholas still wins though because his voice is too cool. The judges were conflicted and Blake revealed he went to the Church of the Dirty Hippie. Winner: Nicholas.
Lelia Broussard vs. Suzanna Choffel “Dog Days are Over” by Florence + The Machine
I love how Blake just classifies anyone who isn’t country as indie. The package focused on all the difficulties the girls were having, so you knew the battle was going to be epic. Also, because they had basically showed the entire song in teasers throughout the night. Not only were they fantastic in their solos, but the harmonizing was absolutely haunting. Everytime one would start to sounder stronger than the other, the other would rise up to meet that bar, and so on for the rest of the song. Looks like neither are going anywhere in my opinion. Winner: Suzanna. But clearly I don’t know anything. What else is new.
Joselyn Rivera vs. Sylvia Yacoub “Best Thing I Never Had” by Beyoncé
Once again they’ve been saving the best for last this episode and these girls shut it down even more than the ladies before them. And, thanks to the commercial teasers and being able to read a clock, I know that neither of these girls are going anywhere. Winner: Sylvia.
And its Adam and Blake for the steal! Blake had a compelling argument, but Adam had a cute smile. Teenage girls are so predictable. Team: Adam.
– Devin Mainville