The Golden Globes are a difficult awards show to predict because, in case you couldn’t tell from the nominations, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is insane. It’s basically 12 little foreign dudes who just want to party with famous people, so they have conned their way into putting on an awards show and mostly base their nominations (and winners) on who they would most like to be their friend, as opposed to other awards shows that use, say merit or logic. It’s basically like the nerdy kids throwing a party and only inviting the popular kids because they think it will make them cool, but all the cool kids are just laughing behind their backs because, you know, Smash is nominated. But hey, it’s a bunch of pretty people all dressed up and congratulating themselves, so it’s not like it won’t be entertaining. Also helps that they get to drink.
So buckle up, kids, these predictions make about as much sense as whatever the eventual outcome will be.
Note: Once again, when I say “will win” I mean what the latest buzz is projecting and when I say “should win” I mean who I want to win based only on my own biased opinion and actual viewings of the nominated entities (which is admittedly limited).
Life of Pi
Zero Dark Thirty
Who Should Win: Argo
Who Will Win: Zero Dark Thirty
It might be the wave of outrage I’m riding following those asinine Oscar nominations or it could just be that Argo was a really outstanding movie, but I’m pulling for it to sweep every awards show from here until the Academy Awards. Lincoln may be the front runner for the Oscars, but I think it’s a little too American for the HFPA, so I’ll go with whats been gracing the tops of almost every reviewer’s list. Why? Just because (and that’s basically the rationale of the HFPA, too).
Best Performance by an Actor – Drama
Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Richard Gere, Arbitrage
John Hawkes, The Sessions
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Denzel Washington, Flight
Who Should Win: Joaquin Phoenix
Who Will Win: Daniel Day Lewis
Joaquin gave the performance of a lifetime in The Master, but his comments about the culture of awards shows did nothing to endear him to this fame obsessed group. Also, the HFPA loves the shit out of some DDL.
Best Performance by an Actress – Drama
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Marion Cotillard, Rust & Bone
Helen Mirren, Hitchcock
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Rachel Weisz, The Deep Blue Sea
Who Should Win: Jessica Chastain
Who Will Win: Marion Cotillard
Because foreigners always have the jump on Americans at the Golden Globes.
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen
Silver Linings Playbook
What Should Win: Silver Linings Playbook
What Will Win: Les Miserables
I have a real problem with this category being “comedy or musical”, since the days of lighthearted musical comedies are thing of the past. In my opinion musicals should be categorized like any other movie as a drama or a comedy and I think we can all agree that Les Miserables is not a comedy. Therefore, it has a distinct advantage over all the actual comedies. It’s not fair, but its awards show.
Best Actress – Comedy or Musical
Emily Blunt, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen
Judi Dench, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Jenifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Maggie Smith, Quartet
Meryl Streep, Hope Springs
Who Should Win: Jenifer Lawrence
Who Will Win: Judi Dench
The HFPA has a major thing for grandes dames and no less than three are nominated in this category. I chose my lucky recipient much like the HFPA by closing my eyes are randomly pointing at a name. So, congratulations Dame Judi, may luck be with you again on Sunday.
Best Actor – Comedy or Musical
Jack Black, Bernie
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables
Bill Murray, Hyde Park on Hudson
Ewan McGregor, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen
Who Should Win: Jack Black
Who Will Win: Hugh Jackman
*Please refer to everything I said in the Best Film category. Also, how much fun would it be to say Golden Globe winner, Jack Black?
What Should Win: Breaking Bad
What Will Win: Homeland
It seems like everyone has just accepted that Breaking Bad is the best show on television and want to spread some of the love to a newbie. But what they conveniently forget is while everyone praises it to the moon and back, Breaking Bad has never actually won anything.
Best Television Show- Musical or Comedy
Big Bang Theory
Who Should Win: Episodes
Who Will Win: Girls
Girls has been the most buzzed about show of the year and while all that earned it at the Emmys was some recognition, the HFPA is just ballsy (read: crazy) enough to give it some gold, if only for the press. Meanwhile, Episodes is the funniest thing around and no one is talking about it at all.
Best Actor – Drama
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Damien Lewis, Homeland
Who Should Win: Bryan Cranston
Who Will Win: Bryan Cranston
Because any other outcome is incorrect.
Best Actress – Drama
Connie Britton, Nashville
Glenn Close, Damages
Claire Danes, Homeland
Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Who Should Win: Claire Danes
Who Will Win: Claire Danes
Because why not. I have no feelings about this category (except that Connie Briton is getting a cumulative nomination for multiple roles).
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Lena Dunham, Girls
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Amy Poehler, Parks and Rec
Who Should Win: Amy Poehler
Who Will Win: Lena Dunham
It will probably actually be Julia Louis-Dreyfus taking home yet another statue, but if I’m going with Girls for best comedy then I have to assume the HFPA worships at the altar of Dunham. Side Note: I may not have strong feelings about the category, but its still my most anticipated for the night for the sheer awesomeness I am expecting from co-hosts Tina and Amy. I am expecting Amy’s Emmy hijinks times x1000.
Best Actor – Comedy or Musical
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Louis C.K., Louis
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Who Should Win: Louis C.K.
Who Will Win: Louis C.K.
I feel like foreigners would get him.
– Devin Mainville